The Problem with Trying to ‘Fix’ People-Pleasing
You’ve read the books. You’ve taken the advice.
“Just set boundaries.”
“Say no more often.”
“Stop caring what other people think.”
So why is it still so hard to stop?
Because people-pleasing isn’t just a bad habit—it’s a survival response.
What ‘Fixing’ People-Pleasing Looks Like (And Why It Doesn’t Work)
When you approach people-pleasing as something to fix, you:
🔹 Try to force yourself to say no—even when your body goes into panic mode.
🔹 Feel guilty and overthink for hours after setting a boundary.
🔹 Shame yourself for “not being strong enough” to stop over-giving.
But here’s the truth: You can’t override survival patterns with willpower.
When you try to fix people-pleasing without understanding why it’s there, you end up fighting yourself— instead of healing yourself.
Why People-Pleasing Is About Safety, Not Personality
If you struggle with people-pleasing, it’s not because you’re weak or overly nice.
It’s because, at some point in your life, pleasing others was the safest thing you could do.
💭 Maybe as a child, love felt conditional—so you learned to be ‘easy to love.’
💭 Maybe conflict led to emotional withdrawal—so you learned to avoid it.
💭 Maybe you were praised for being ‘helpful’ and ‘selfless’—so you built an identity around it.
And now, when you try to set a boundary? Your inner child panics—because it feels like risking love, safety, and belonging.
💡 This isn’t just a mindset issue. It’s a nervous system imprint.
Which means healing people-pleasing isn’t about fixing yourself.
It’s about reassuring your nervous system that it’s safe to exist without earning your place.
The Science Behind People-Pleasing as a Nervous System Response
People-pleasing is deeply linked to the fawn response, a lesser-known trauma reaction alongside fight, flight, and freeze.
🔹 The nervous system learns to appease as a survival strategy. Instead of fighting back or fleeing, people-pleasers seek safety through approval.
🔹 Polyvagal Theory (Dr. Stephen Porges) explains that when the nervous system perceives connection as a requirement for survival, people-pleasing becomes instinctive.
🔹 Bessel van der Kolk’s research in The Body Keeps the Score confirms that relational trauma imprints on the body, not just the mind.
This is why simply deciding to stop people-pleasing isn’t enough—the body has to feel safe first.
The Missing Link: Inner Child Healing & Attachment Repair
Many people-pleasers develop this pattern due to attachment wounds in early childhood:
🔹 Anxious attachment styles struggle with people-pleasing because they associate rejection with emotional instability.
🔹 Disorganised attachment (resulting from inconsistent caregiving) can lead to a push-pull dynamic—seeking connection while fearing rejection.
🔹 Inner child conditioning tells us that being easygoing makes love feel more secure.
If people-pleasing feels impossible to stop, it’s likely because the inner child still doesn’t feel safe existing without earning their place.
💡 Healing isn’t about forcing change. It’s about giving yourself the safety you never had.
This Is Where You’ll Start
✨ Notice when your body tenses up around saying no.
✨ Pause before automatically agreeing—ask yourself, “Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I feel I have to?”
✨ Instead of trying to ‘be better’ at boundaries, focus on feeling safer with boundaries.
Because true healing isn’t about becoming someone who never people-pleases.
It’s about becoming someone who no longer needs to, just to feel safe.
Where Do You Start?
✔ Recognise when you’re operating from fear vs. genuine care.
✔ Practice tolerating discomfort instead of rushing to fix it.
✔ Speak to your inner child with compassion, not control.
If you’re ready to stop seeing people-pleasing as something to fix—and instead, learn how to heal it at the root—Rise Into You is where we do this work.
Because you don’t have to keep proving you’re worthy of belonging. You already are.
📌 Related Posts: [The Cost of Self-Abandonment], [Breaking the Over-Giving Cycle]
📖 Further Resources: [Gabor Maté on Inner Child Healing], [Nervous System Healing & Safety], [Polyvagal Theory & Trauma]
📩 Have a question? Drop a comment below or reach out!
FAQ
❓ Why can’t I stop people-pleasing, even when I know better?
Because it’s not just a habit—it’s a learned survival response that feels necessary for safety, love, and connection.
❓ How do I stop people-pleasing without feeling guilty?
Instead of trying to force yourself to stop, focus on making self-trust feel safe. Guilt is your nervous system adjusting to a new reality.
❓ What’s the first step in healing people-pleasing?
Noticing when you’re choosing others over yourself out of fear. Pause, breathe, and remind yourself: I don’t have to disappear to be loved.
💡 If this resonated, share your thoughts below or explore more inside Rise Into You.
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